FB: Here Be Monsters

Alrighty, time to break out the Facebook games. Here's one I've been playing for awhile now:

Don't be deceived by the cheery kid like graphics, this game has some solid mechanics, a lot of draw and appeals to quite a few different types of players. If I break down the features in the game with like examples of other games, you get something that looks like it was produced from the metamorphical box.

So! Every player starts out in London while they work through the tutorial. While you progress you are presented with/encounter the following features (which I will equate to other popular games).

• You choose a homestead

LIKE: Farmville or Harvest Moon
DISTINCTIVE: Here you collect Stardium randomly

• You build things for production

LIKE: Farmville or Harvest Moon
DISTINCTIVE: All buildings have upgrades that increase crafting success and decrease time required

• You can keep animals

LIKE: Farmville or Harvest Moon
DISTINCTIVE: When you reach the level you can keep pigs they shit out some interesting and decidedly painful resources and jewels

• You can make friends and visit their homesteads

LIKE: Farmville or Animal Crossing
DISTINCTIVE: You can use this feature to reach distant areas and new lands without wasting all your energy

• You trap monsters

LIKE: Mousehunt
DISTINCTIVE: You have to collect or craft all your baits and some of the monsters are well amusing and drop loot you need for further crafting

• You complete quests

LIKE: Every other RPG, MMO or RPGMMO (or Saturday night after drinking far too much if you're one of those personalities)
DISTINCTIVE: Some of the quests are the only way you can acquire certain traps or trap certain monsters

•  You can find wishing coins (talk to your pigs... O-o) or have them awarded on the daily to gamble on some loot

LIKE: Many other games
DISTINCTIVE: You can actually buy one of the types of coins with soft currency

• It takes time to complete your crafting projects

LIKE: Every other life consuming and will destroying freemium game
DISTINCTIVE: You can purchase time with soft currency or even CRAFT IT! (time potions for the win)

• The game uses real geography

LIKE: Monster (something) I played ages ago on iOS which I'm not going to attempt to locate the exact name of as AppAnnie is proving that searching for the word 'monster' is as bright an idea as searching for 'war', 'tank' or 'racer'...
DISTICTIVE: Different geography offers different resources

Your best friend through all of this is your Almanac! It has a collection of all the stuff in the game, what it can be used for and what it offers or costs. If you want to trap a monster, catch a fish or find a plant you can select the map in the almanac for that item and the game will place you over that area of the map for easy locating.

The farming aspect is much like any other farming game but your crops don't wither at the same manic speed they do in other games. You can plant something that finishes in an hour and return three or four hours later and collect them. If friends have fertilised your crops they won't wither and you can also craft neverwither potions and revive potions for your plants or ask for them for your 'friends' for free.

Friends!

It's always an iffy word in social games. In HBM you can ask your social friends to play with you OR you can add people you encounter in your wanderings. You can have up to 100 friends so you sometimes have to discard players that look to have stopped playing in spells.

Monetisation!

You can pay for whatever you want but the hard currency will be rewarded occasionally. The customary level up 'here's a unit of hard currency' occurs as well as a weekly reward for consistently logging in daily. Soft currency is easily collected if you have the time.

Luck!

The game will reward you increased luck for consistently logging in daily as well. One assumes this means you will get better things pooped out by your pigs and decreased chances of failures with your crafting and so on.

Crafting!

Some items are difficult to make and have a high failure rate. You can increase your chances of success with 'Success Potions'. These you can win at the wishing well or receive from your friends.

Stardium!

This is where I give you a big section of information as well as a method of farming to help you increase your Stardium Potion production rate (as it's used in quite a few recipes).

Stardium will fall into your homestead every few days. This is usually six units that could be hidden behind your buildings and trees if you don't take care on how you place your objects. If you fail to pick it up, you won't receive any new stardium, it'll just keep falling in the location you left it.

Two pieces of Stardium makes a Stardium Potion in your laboratory.

Stardium Potions are used in many useful things including Time Potions. They can be made from Stardium or creeping ooze (check your almanac for all the recipes).

I now offer you a lovely loop for keeping copious amounts of Stardium Potions!

1. Identify the creep trees!
This is a creep tree, you will start with a few in your Homestead










2. Isolate them in your Homestead and cut down all your other normal trees (your non-fruit trees)

• If you have any other normal trees in your Homestead you will find them growing more often then the Creep Trees (see Step 3)

3. Every few days a new Creep Tree should start growing
4. When it does, move it over with the others
5. As your Creep Trees rejuvenate (takes a few days) cut them to 4/5

• So long as you don't reduce it to a stump it will grow back
• Every time you cut one of these trees you have a chance at gaining some Creeping Ooze
• Creeping Ooze can be used to craft Stardium Potions

6. Repeat steps 3-5 until your heart's content

7. You now have a Stardium Potion factory!

One of the things I love about this game is that you aren't trapping evil monsters to help keep the population safe and sound in their beds, you are trapping monsters as a service to the monsters! Trappers are encouraged to trap monsters in order to cure them of the corruption that has befallen them due to Stardium exposure. So no monsters were harmed in the making of this game, it's brilliant. :)

There is so much more to this game then I've covered here, but I've already waffled a good long while as is. I recommend this game for beta or worse as it's really shaped up over the last several months and is jumping from strength to strength as it evolves.

The monetisation strategy isn't aggressive or pushy. You never feel as though they're about to walk you up to a wall at any given point and force you to splash out if you want to get ahead. Practically everything you can buy with hard currency is vanity and I've seen some homesteads that had a fair amount of those items in them.

As players race to collect EVERYTHING in the game (as it all counts towards achievements and ticking a box in the almanac) monetisation will occur. They've done a solid job with this game and I will continue to play it.

APP: Endomondo

Alright, so it's time to get back on track by sharing one of my favorite free exercise related apps, Endomondo. Being the stubborn cheap bastard I am, I haven't upgraded to the Pro version though I will admit to having been tempted on more then one occasion.

Warning!
You need a GPS enabled smart device if you're tracking real time activities like cycling or running on the out and about

So what do you get with Endomondo basic? It actually does quite a bit!

Make sure to fill out your personal details (then remember to update them) as the app takes into consideration your weight while doing activities when calculating your calorie burn, water loss and all other things that the upgraded version hints towards.

You can log sessions from a number of activities. The activities list isn't simply running, walking, cycling either. It includes everything to time at the gym on weights, squash, horse riding, quite possibly everything you can legally admit to doing for fun! So for anything where you don't move like running on a treadmill or lifting weights, you just need to input the time and distance (where applicable) and it calculates all your sweaty stats for you then stores it in your history.

If you're GPS enabled the app will log where you went using Google maps! Not only is this useful to let Endomondo know there's lots of people that may be using a certain location but I also use this as a safety feature.

Only your friends can see where exactly you've been, so don't be all willy-nilly with you add as a friend. Through this, if something did happen to you - say you broke your leg and were stuck out in the chilly wild surrounded by ravenous feral animals moving in to finish you off - one of your friends can check your last log of activities to know where to point the search team when they send them out after you!

As mentioned briefly, Endomondo keeps a running tally on popular exercise spots which you can access through their main website. It's also a great way for figuring out what areas are the safest and where you won't be out entirely alone in your drive for physical fitness.

Through the website you can also find invitations to exercise groups that may be in your area and when they get out and do things so you can join them. There's safety in numbers after all!

The app does have a voice coach but for free all they will inform you of is when you hit your distance markers. Personally I usually have my MP3 player going anyway though the app is fully capable of supporting a play list if you wish instead.

When you add friends you'll be able to check them through the app and on the website and see if they're keeping with their exercising or getting out if they've been using the app. You are free to leave encouraging comments about their activities or just leave messages for the helluvit if you're trying to stay under the social radar for a bit. ;)

Overall I really do enjoy this app. It works with Earnedit as well so you can rack up points for exercising that you can trade in for discounts and vouchers along the way for greater and more epic sports related gear and 7004.

Best of all with Endomondo and this is where the farmer in me gets twitterpated, you can win free shiz!

Endomondo has a collection of challenges every month. They won't all be ones you're interested in. Participants look to win something for their participation and the company isn't idiots. The person who decided to attempt to report they ran by logging into the app on a plane for two seconds won't be making the cut when they go to give out the prizes.

Not all of them need you to be in the top three or ten and not all of them require you to even log X amount of miles/kilometers before you qualify. When it comes down to it, you're doing it first for your health anyway, so come rain or shine, a slow week or a great week, you've already won.

The goods on offer vary from Endomondo free advertising (but still great quality) jackets, shorts etc. to gift certificates to their or others stores and so on. Free is free though, free is great!

So hop on board and get yourself active if you aren't already. This is a brilliant free app for the fitness enthusiast looking to try a product before investing. It offers so much more then other apps of its kind and it doesn't nudge or notify you that it's being ignored or points out when you've been sick all week and haven't had the chance to get outside.

It's not a calorie counting app that wants to know what you ate, when, the last time you went to the toilet and how many ounces of water you're putting into your body a day. It will tell you how much water you just lost at the end of a session but it trusts you're smart enough to have a drink of water before and after you sweat. I love the fact that it doesn't hold my hand, treat me like an idiot or require me to turn it into big brother before it will trust me.

Endomondo is a helpful friend, not a babysitter, nanny or nagging mother.

Thank-you Endomondo!

Canada Killed My iPod

Alright, so I've had time to settle in with this whole data usage BS that looks to have besieged the country and have decided to share my player behaviour results. An odd thing has happened, and I've been discovering I'm not the only one; Apple you might want to pay attention to this next proclamation but:

Canada killed my iPod

It is now a useless pile of tech that I persistently forget to charge from lack of use. With data usage bearing down on me, I can't afford to download apps left right and centre like I used to and my iPod has been discarded due to this one little issue:

*It is not powerful enough to pick up the neighbours wifi unlike my tablet which can pick up six wifi signals and connect to two of them.

So what I did to help the non-linear readers visualise this problem, I created nifty pie charts to show my shift in tech usage in relation to game playing since returning to Canada. Enjoy!

 I call this one the hungry hippo chart!

So in the UK where data usage was a buffet fit for a king, I was eager to eat up as many games as possible. Maximise my exposure and dig right in! Like Hungry Hungry Hippos it was a race to play as much as possible on as many things as possible.

*I call this one the Pac-Man chart!

Now in Canada where data usage is limited I only go after little chunks of data when I play games and don't want to risk going over my limit by downloading or updating a dozen or two games all the time. Just like Pac-Man I'm creeping about picking at things and only tactfully going after the power pellet when it's really worth it.

This has also has an extreme impact on the amount of games I play with my primary focus these days being low budget browser based FB games that won't eat down my data usage. I feel so alone... Alone, cold and locked out of a world I love so uber muchly.

I used to play a dozen games at a time. Every night spending a couple of hours checking in with them all, collecting my dailies and progressing a few steps. Since coming back I have bid farewell to: Clash of Clans, Zombie Jombie (not that they were doing anything with that anymore), Haypi Kingdom, Tiny Farm, World of Magic, Steam and Core Online to name a few.

I'm playing Hellfire and Puzzles & Dragon (on my tablet)...

I'm playing Candy Crush Saga, Mousehunt, Here Be Monsters and Plants vs Zombies Adventures on Facebook...

Instead of going outside to play my games, I am now going outside to admire the barren back yard.

As I mentioned before as well, I'm not the only person who has discarded their iPod in light of these restrictions. I know other people who have told me they have no idea why they bought they their iPod as it's pretty much useless.

How many of the tech companies are losing a market because of this? Rogers, Bell, AT&T and whoever else is responsible for networks here must really have it out for the companies producing tech that requires wifi by which to function I tell you.

By the time the data usage is lifted my iPod will probably be so obsolete it won't be worth charging that one final time. :s 

Dear iPod,

You were a great friend. I loved you dearly. You entertained me during the hard times and the leisure times. Your memory has not been soiled and you will always hold a special place in my heart. Here's hoping we can once again enjoy each other's company before you need to be sent to the great tech graveyard in the sky... QQ

Dear Canada

Wow, what a culture shock. Leave the UK to return to my native lands only to discover it has taken a massive leap backwards in the tech war. So unfortunately my first entry since returning to Canada is going to come with a healthy dose of disgruntled and WTF...

Dear Canada,

I can not believe the backwards motion you have adopted in this age of technology. What is this data usage BS you are assaulting me with? Are you not aware there is a tech race going on? Have you not considered the ramifications or the knock on effect this will have on this amazing facet of commerce and entertainment?

The mobile life hasn't been this set back since the days of AOL and ADSL. What good is wifi if you can't actually use it? An average data usage package seems to believe that 500 MB will do. Sure, if you only use Facebook and pay a few bills online.

My phone alone is over $30 a month and all I get for data usage is 400 MB. 400 MB what is that? Two top grade apps... and forget about updating the ones you have. Not only have you charged me data usage to get them, but you also charged me data usage to remove them. What a freakin' joke.

There are no unlimited plans. This boggles the mind. Seriously it does. Someone in my industry can easily consume a Gig in a single day. When I was living in England I probably consumed 3 Gig a day alone. Was I charged for that? No.

If I consider that in the UK I would play on my tablet simultaneously alongside my iPod, stream music on my PC at the same time while playing social games and watch Youtube videos on my tablet when I wasn't playing games on it to expand my knowledge and research things of interest I want to cry. You really have dropped the ball Canada. I'm actually embarrassed about it.

If I have to pay for playing my games through data usage I will never again consider paying for an app. Why would I wish to pay twice for a purchase. At least if I get the free ones, I only pay for my bandwidth. The price for your contracts is preposterous and with a price tag of $0.15 a Meg on pay as you go plans I'd feel as though I was playing the worst freemium game in history if I took that root.

I won't carry on all that much about this or I might lose my rag to an embarrassing degree. Get your act together Canada. There are third world countries that don't charge for data usage. I can't believe I actually miss British Telecom. I never thought the day would come when I would wish to be a BT customer again...

The United Kingdom is on an up and up path when it comes to mobile. It will gain strength and begin to flourish as will any other country that doesn't restrict data usage and peoples accessibility to the mobile life. So to anyone in the UK I used to work with, who wondered why the North American market seemed to be behind the rest of the First World countries here's your answer.

The mobile life is your enemy. It costs you out the ass and sucks up cash left right and centre. So no one here has ever had the chance to explore it, harness it and embrace it. Canadians are not free to do what they want, when they want online so it's a struggling market.

There were no data usage limits on internet usage when I left in 2007...

Get your act together Bell, Virgin, Rogers and any other providers. This is a joke. You are choking your own market to death. It would serve you right if someone came along offering an Unlimited data usage plan and you lost all your customers. Come to think of it, maybe BT is looking to expand.

GAME: Tavern Quest

I chose to pick this one up on my tablet and I'm glad I did. I'm sure it's just as brilliant on smaller devices, but when it comes to battle I find the extra swiping space helps. Battle you say in a game that looks like it's cooking based by the icon, what do you mean!? It is a game called Tavern Quest by Glu in which you both run a tavern AND embark on mighty quest battles!

Lemme give you a bit of background. Our hero you see, is the dragon from the icon. Unlike the other dragons, he isn't about terrorising the citizens of the world, he's more preoccupied with cooking. Being keen and wise, he quickly realises that by opening a tavern and befriending the heroes of the realm he can get the chance to exact revenge on those who bullied him in the monster world by sending the heroes he is feeding out after them!

Build your tavern and cook your food, much like Chefville and other cooking games. Place your cooking areas and select your dish to cook based off it's time or if you require them. This is where it is not like the other cooking games. Each dish has a flavour (sometimes multiple flavours) and these flavours are what your heroes are after.

Heroes will wander in seeking sustenance of a particular calibre. If you have that flavour and the amount requested, the hero will stay and dine. They take varying lengths of time to eat, so make sure you have plenty of seating or Glu Coins to hurry them up. Once they are done you can offer them a room in your tavern to stay in (this increases with your tavern level). Once they accept the offer you can now use them for quests!

Quests sometimes require specific heroes in order to complete them. Build your standards and unlock new heroes. Each flag attracts a set and as you level up, try and keep one of each type of hero you encounter as you may need them down the road. Just make sure you don't get them killed. When you choose a quest to complete the difficulty level is denoted by a skull. The easiest quests are 1 skull hard and they only go up from there. You will have the chance to select who to take into the quest (some classes locked) so you can level up your lower level guys at times or sub in your tougher guys if required. Take your heroes in and start your campaign against the monster. 

Choose the order you send them in with. You have a tank, a ranged and a healer. Each class gets one special attack which you can pay extra Glu coins to use more then once. Advance on the enemy, push them back then watch out for their special attacks. I wasn't fully prepared for all the special attacks, but you catch on quick. Some enemies throw things (tap the projectile to destroy them), some enemies attack from above (swipe the line numerous times to cut it) and other enemies hurl things (tap the object repetitively to destroy it). There are of course in game prompts to remind you or show you what to do. Stop these special attacks before they reach your heroes or they do loads of damage.

Defeat the monster and your heroes earn experience. Experience of course results in levels! Levels power up your heroes and this is why it's important to collect one of each and not get them killed. Pretty straight forward I know. Collecting one of each also earns you Glu points and other rewards.

There are of course items in the game that can only be purchased with Glu points and will prevent you from completing quests and the such but it doesn't look finite. This isn't a wall, it's a grade (those things us farmers love to vanquish just cuz we can!).

Ways to earn Glu points:

Finish the cooking tier for an item

Complete quests (there are a few that offer Glu points here and there)

Complete the objectives and tasks

Watch videos or download other games and apps (on Android at least, we all know Apple isn't down with that normally)

Join the Glu VIP program (of course!)

So it is not impossible to get your Paladin standard and start attracting them etc.; it's just going to take longer then most people can tolerate.

So build your tavern, do your quests, cook your food, level up your heroes and exact your revenge as a bullied dragon who wishes nothing more then to express himself through his culinary endeavours. How can you not love it? The art style is quirky and personable. The character name generator is amusing and fitting. The recipes themselves are equally as amusing and you have to appreciate that some recipes look sad while cooking, indifferent when sat on the counter waiting to be served and happy once on a customers table.

It's the little things that matter really!

It is also one of the few games I play with the audio on. Very fitting and complimentary.

I very much approve of this game as it has prevented me from playing the multitude of other games I've been meaning to check out as I look into applying to different companies for employment... :s

Now...

Exploit!

There is only one exploit I have discovered in the game so far (but I've only had my hands on it a few days so far). The game doesn't take well to an 'L' shape in your tavern and you can use this during trying times to build your available dishes for a hero without letting your regular customers wear down the numbers on you.

The game is set to automatically consume and pay you for dishes when you're out of the game or off elsewhere questing etc. HOWEVER! If you are in the tavern and you build it so that there is a length of it that you can place your counters and cooking utensils in BUT keep the dining area off screen, the game doesn't automatically consume the dishes you have out unless you scroll the screen back out over your current customers.

Unless a new hero walks in (at which point the camera will pan across the tavern to the door) and you hear automatic gun fire which the sound of the game populating the tables with dishes when it realises you're looking!

Doing this can help you horde one minute recipes for a much needed hero or help you preserve dishes when you know you have another ten minutes before you can place anything new on the counter (avoiding pissing off your customers and lowering your popularity).

I am not obligated to update this class three should they choose to fix it. :)

Get It!
iOS: http://www.apple.com/itunes/download/?id=495058349
Android: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glu.tavkeeper&hl=en

Ogres

We all know what trolls are in the online sense, but for this post I want to discuss what I call the Ogres. These are companies that offer what appears to be a free service then later put restrictions on you that weren't detailed when you first started using their product or aren't actually openly explained to you after they have implemented them.

This does happen in the gaming world but more so with other entertainment products. For this entry I choose to pick on Spotify for I am willing to listen to your adverts but when you market yourself as a 'listen to the music you want when you want' and don't specify; 'but if you don't pay you can only listen to the music you want so many times and only for so long' you become an Ogre.

This causes the users of your services to feel somewhat cheated and you don't win many conversion through destroying the trust your potential customers had in you. Consumer trust is just as applicable online as it is in the physical shops.

No one wants to to be enticed into a shop with reassurances that everyone will receive a special offer only to discover the 'everyone' mentioned in the fine print is actually the first five hundred customers and you're now the five hundredth and sixth. Sorry about that...

Ogreism also leads people to examine your product at greater depth. You lose the complacency angle and the brand favourtism as a result. Let's explain it this way:

- Spotify asks £10 a month to listen to whatever you want online and off line.

-In the span of a year you have spent £120.

-That equals 24 music CDs annually or more depending if you buy from second hand shops.

-24 CDs will offer between 240-300 tracks

-That price also equals out to 150+ iTunes downloads.

-At the moment on Spotify I have 123 tracks (45 of which are seasonal holiday songs)

-As such I would get greater value from iTunes

-I very much have no qualms buying from second hand music shops however

*Especially considering Spotify hasn't had 20% of the tracks I have wanted to listen to on their service

This is just one example of Ogreism. Paywalls are quickly becoming the norm. I know of several games where you can't progress unless you're willing convert to paying. Those are dirty tactics I can't stand behind. I don't care if the grade of the slope equals out to a month worth of my time, I will commit to it if it's worth it. Just as I am willing to watch adverts during online television services or going back to the beginning every fifth song on Spotify.

I am earning you money through marketing; if that isn't good enough then why make it an option? I have tried your product and it's not bad I will give you that, but it's not worth THAT much and seeing as your free service lacks clarity I can no longer trust your paid service to be as well.

So hats off to the Ogres. Those companies that do because they feel you should pay to adore their products and impress them!

In the coming months I hope to discover Napster or Rdio has perfected the formula. Glad to see you're still kicking Napster! Long time no see. :)

Zero Punctuation

Time to take a few minutes to discuss one of my guilt free pleasures. A comedic gem of game related entertainment presented by Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw for the online magazine The Escapist.

If you have difficulties following discussions with people who talk to quickly or offend easily, you shouldn't consider this a valid form of entertainment for yourself for personal reasons.

If you are someone who has no difficulty tolerating fast wit, sarcasm, usually at least one penis reference and some mild to moderate language AND you love games, get on this! WARNING! If he has reviewed something you are going to play, don't watch that video until after you have done so as he does have a habit of reviewing from beginning of end, so spoilers may be included.

Crowshaw's brilliant wit is well presented in these animated short reviews at a blinding pace I have had to rewind back through to catch at times as some of the reviews have reduced me to tears so dire I couldn't hear what he was going on about. In them, he makes the observations so many of us do as well as present common complaints in gameplay or whatever it is he is covering with such stark honesty you walk away knowing he is one hell of an endearing prick.

So if you have a few minutes to burn and need something to entertain yourself with visit The Escapist site or look up Zero Punctuation on YouTube.

I don't recommend you do this on public transit or any other highly populated or quiet area unless like me you strive to encourage people to sit as far away from you as possible. The reviews are both candid and frank and even when he's liking on something it's difficult to differentiate from his various modes of dislike, disinterested, unimpressed and lovin t' death.

Again, keep the screen to yourself when around proud company as there is almost always at least one phallic outburst and countless references to bodily fluids amid disappointments. One can appreciate the reviews whether he's slating a game you love or enjoyed it as well. Dire hard fan boys and girls should maybe avoid reviews on games in their collection that they feel can do no wrong. If you can't objectively look at the games you play you will fail to laugh at his blunt pointing out of the countless failures games are often full of due to short production schedules and speedy releases.

Go, watch, enjoy!

cheating VS exploiting

I want to have a quick word about the art of exploitation. Those of you that know me personally will have heard this argument before but I realise I need to get this discussion out of the way as I want to post on the various reviews if there are exploits about it.

Gaming definitions for beginners!

Cheater 

= Someone who wins through altering code or installing programs that alter code for them (this is illegal)

Exploiter 

= Someone who identifies areas of code that are missing or were never implemented and uses it to their advantage (this isn't illegal)

Cheating = Violation of Terms

Exploiting = Valid lack of boundary

Cheating = ILLEGAL

Exploiting = NOT ILLEGAL

Cheating = Stealing food from someones bag at work

Exploiting = Getting two items of food from a vending machine you noticed wasn't aligned properly and might offer the chance at a double payout (you seriously going to tell me you don't check the vending machines for this before purchasing..?)

Now that we've cleared that up, let's move on!

I have years of testing under my belt and this skill has worked to my benefit while having that job. Please developers and publishers of said games I review DON'T BAN ME PLS! I'm not breaking the code of conduct and/or the users rights agreements. I am not altering code, adding code, or messing about with code via a third party program I am simply identifying the weak points in the code given.

If I mention an exploit and it actually gets fixed, hats off. I will not do anything the game doesn't allow me to do either intentionally or by accident. With so many games being playable between devices and different medias the server cross off data and refresh capabilities of games can sometimes be easy pickings. 

If anyone takes my exploits away from me I offer you +10 respect in return and it won't cause me to slate your products but applaud your company for outsmarting me. At the heart of every farmer is the love of a challenge. We are bright and get bored easily. When we're bored, we dick around with what we have at hand. These days, that's almost always a mobile device or social game.

ePad Femme

You know I'm gonna hop on this boat! I'll try and be gentle.

So the ePad Femme is going to be released. Exclusively for women, this tablet boasts a host of must have apps for women all presented on a lovely pink background (personally I'm all about blue, pink is too Barbie and while all the other girls were playing wedding I was rockin down with my brother's He-Man toys).



Who should buy this product?

Men who have wives who like shiny things but have no real competency for technology

• You don't have to spend hours downloading things for them, the woman you are probably buying this for will have hours of fun just clicking whatever they can see and charting their menstrual cycle with Woman's Log (yes it comes with it) in the hopes of having your child and buying them an iPad of their own for their fifth birthday (see previous post "Quit Blaming the Games" for a glimpse into your future).
• Hope you have plenty of disposable income as this device will come with more then just a base price tag, it'll also come with monthly credit card bills.
• Great for finding clothing, shoes, bags, perfumes and chatting about them as it comes with apps for that as well.
• Just remember that the more familiar she becomes with the device, the less clever you're going to look.

Who shouldn't buy this product?

Any professional women, gamer girls or any person who wants to be taken seriously in a tech verses tech standoff at the local cafe or bar against better judgement on a sorry Saturday night...

• You'll end up spending ages uninstalling the crap and getting real programs and games on the thing
• There are better things to fill your hard drive with if it even has much of a hard drive at all
• You can get better less pink tablets for about the same price
• Have some self respect ladies... If your boyfriend or husband buys you this, use it to find a good lawyer

Why? Just... Why?

Apparently women think tablets are too tricky to use says the company releasing it. If a tablet is too tricky, then good luck getting them on the tinterwebs to see your product. I'd be surprised if they could even manage to figure out the TV remote to see your commercial, or the little knobs and switches on the radio to hear your advert.

This woman won't be buying one thanks! I'm quite happy with my current Android tablet which I've been using successfully for over a year now alongside my iPod, Android phone, laptop and desktop PC. I can not only cook and shop without my devices, I can think for myself as well. :)

Dear ePad Femme...
LoLololoLOLOLolOLolOlol

Update:

I have been searching high and low and other then the cooking, shopping and menstrual apps this is what I can tell you:

• 8" inches of touchable screen (a bit more phablet then tablet)
• 16 GB RAM (not too shabby actually)
• SD Card Reader (unsure if it's 1 GB + card reader to make it 16 GB like other tablets with these specs)
• Android Ice Cream Sandwich 4.0 (makes sense as it's the most market heavy design, but it's still 2.14 in a 2.17 world)
• CPU runs an unconfirmed 1.5 GHz (not bad but not that great)

Not mentioned so far: Camera, resolution, GPS, Wifi, and a few other givens

Price: Just under $200

Closest Available Products:

- VERSUS Touchtab 8 Dual Core 8" Tablet - 16 GB ($200)

- HP Touchpad 9.7" Tablet - 16GB ($100)

Game: Hellfire

So the first game I'm going to speak on is a catchy card game called Hellfire. I spotted this freemium title on App Annie in the top 5 grossing for Slovakia of all places. Standing out in the sea of Clash of Clans and Candy Crush Saga icons, I felt compelled to check it out. Needless to say, it has far outplayed the addiction level of Square Enix recent card game Guardian Cross.

Not following a story line so to speak, it gives rise to an endless loop of things to do. The events occur every couple of days for a few days and are actually the first time I ever applied the word "frenzy" to any freemium title. This game is the opposite of PvP in an amazing way! I will explain as I run through it.

Working off a Paper Toss mechanic where you throw orbs of power at your enemies by swiping your screen, it is simple yet still requires skill. Just want you want from a game. Anyone can do it effectively but certain people will do it perfectly. It's a refreshing change from the average tap mechanic you get from most games.

It's much easier to play on a tablet as you have far more precision, but the graphics begin to suffer slightly at that resolution. Cards looks fine in their smaller frames, but if you view it full screen they begin to pixelate.

WoW Factor:

• Beautiful artwork 
• No expense spared and style consistent
• Real time beneficial player interactions 
• Is found you, lemme giveayou stuff!
• Raid FRENZY during events 
• They have made the word raid work in a card game... kudos

Frown Factor:

• Not enough space for cards (they did recently increase it to 100)
• There are so many beautiful and brilliant cards, you want to keep not only functional cards but vanity cards. You'll understand why this can be a problem a little later on.
• Down time between events can sometimes drag
• The one or two days gap between events can seem like a massive length of time when the game moves at a whirlwind pace when the events are on.
• SNAPFU: I just lost three hours of my night, wtf...
• You can get carried away to far distant lands for hours on end with this game. You can do the usual 5 minutes here and there, don't get me wrong, but when you have so much loot to collect in the game and sort out, it can become a bit of a time commitment with the hundred card limit.

Singleplayer (kinda)

Quick Overview

Mobage Inc. is responsible for giving us this lovely app for both iOS and Android. The mechanics involved are brilliantly simple and effective. Create a deck of 9 cards (3 groups of 3) and go on quests. Use the different elements against each other to incur maximum damage and obliterate the NPC cards challenging you and complete areas. There are 3 rounds of battle with anywhere from 2 to 5 enemies to defeat in each one. Each enemy has an action count and at the end of it you will be attacked by them so choose your targets carefully.

Allies

In singleplayer you get the chance to earn Ally crystals. These can be used to summon new lower value cards for levelling up your more powerful ones. These you get from selecting a different Ally to take into battle with you before engaging in a Singleplayer Chapter. Successfully defeat the Chapter and receive the previous stated amount of crystals as well as sharing some with the player you just allied with. 

Allies are found at the end of each chapter in singleplayer. It is commonly someone who is also in that area of the game and active at the time. Allies can make or break a battle, if you want to be made one, you have to logged into the game and active in order for other players to discover you.

Singleplayer Loop

• Mind your lead cards elements as you want to avoid taking a boss or similar of the opposing element (which will do you max damage) and select a Chapter.
• Pick an Ally to take into battle with you. Always good to take one using the opposing element of the area you're going into.
• Mind the action timers on your enemies and look to remove the opposing elements as quickly as possible
• Survive the three rounds and advance to the victory screen
• Receive experience (even if failed)
  (only on a win)
• Chance to get common cards for merging 
• Receive Ally Crystals for successfully taking an Ally through battle with you 
• Chance to discover a new Ally (who will appear during battle and attack without prompt)
• Chance to discover a Boss Gate (only when an event is active)

Multiplayer

Multiplayer Loop

• Check you have at least 1 Battle Energy or 1 Small Battle Potion by which to gain a Battle Energy to challenge a boss with
• Check if any Allies have requested your help and what level the enemies are if they have and whether they have made an effort to damage them down a bit
• If no raid bosses are available start questing in the hopes of discovering a Boss Gate
• Find a Boss and take them on
• Get 1x damage for 1 BE
• Get 3x damage for 2 BE
• Get 5x damage for 3 BE
• You can choose how many to use if you have the max 3 slots lit up, unused BE will be carried over
• Enter the battle and watch for the seals to appear
• They will be the different elements. Memorise them. There will be between 3 and 6 of them normally.
• Attack each seal with the opposing element to score maximum damage
• Hit the seal square on for a critical hit which will double your damage.
• Keep flicking your orbs of exponential damage at your enemy until the 40 second timer has expired or they are dead 
• If you have failed to destroy them you may be given the chance to call in your allies to finish them off in order to make gains
• Advance to the reward screen where you are given many lovely things!
• Score medals for doing the most damage out of all players
• Score medals for the enemy having been defeated
• Score medals for working with different quantities of other players
• Score Battle Potions for discovering the boss
• Score Battle Potions for dealing the final blow of a battle 

Cards

Now here's where your time can get a bit lost. Once you've collected all your medals, you can use them to perform card summons of various grades depending on the enemy you defeated and the medals you received. 

Bronze Medal: Summons 1 star cards and very occasionally 2 star cards

Silver Medal: Summons 2 star cards and very occasionally 3 star cards

Gold Medal: Summons 3 star cards and very occasionally 4 star cards

These aren't the only cards you can summon. There's an entire wall of summons deals to sift through and most of them require Firecoins. 

Cost of a Firecoin = 0.006 and for less then 1.00 you can summon a card rare or above

Battle Potions are also available for purchase

This doesn't mean that only the paying players are advancing. By raiding like a mofo you can easily build up an arsenal of cards that are super rare. Each card starts with a rating, but through evolution steps up a grade. The trick is being patient enough to collect the full fury through the medal system.

Evolution

Each card can be merged with its core card four times to create a more powerful and rare card (I added the crappy stars, I'm not trying to insult the incredibly gifted and professional artists at Mobage Inc. :) )

This is where the time consuming aspect comes in. You are free to feed any card into your existing cards to level them up, but the cards are worth so much more if you can get them to their final evolution before you do so. You also get bonus experience for merging like cards. Each cards base stat will increase with each merging of the same card. Score enough 3 star cards from your silver medal summons (the most common mid raid level) and you have 4 star cards. Get enough gold medals and earn 4 star cards that have the potential to become 5 star cards (the miximum). It's very gratifying.

Each card has a different image for every evolution and they are all worth appreciating. This is where my frown rating comes in as the vanity value of some cards is brilliant. They are gorgeous or quirky, maybe menacing or eclectic and you just want to keep them for pure appreciation and self enjoyment. I love the 3rd Evo on the Shadow Fae Archer as an example, but she's a low rarity card and not worth keeping otherwise.

Suggestions:

• The game could do with a catalogue of cards discovered and evolved for showing your friends as you don't always remember to screen grab.
• Once a card is fully evolved, players should have the ability to pay for the chance to display the fully evolved card at any level of its evolution if they choose.

Event Leaderboards

When the events are on, all players are gathering points to earn a spot on the leaderboard. Leaderboard ranks are rewarded with rare gifts at the end of the event including the cards involved in that event that you will never have the chance of getting again.

The game pays out to the hundred of thousands, so your chances of scoring some loot is a good one!

Hints and Tips!

• Water douses Fire - Fire burns Death - Death poisons Earth - Earth absorbs Water
• Mix up your deck a little bit and don't pair up opposing elements
• Leave the game running for the sake of it occasionally to attract allies
• Don't waste your Battle Potions! Check out how much time is left on a Raid Boss and if people are working on them before investing
• Don't worry about caching in your medals when a legendary boss has been released, there's no maximum on how many medals you can have. You can summon cards a hundred at a time once the run is over or you exhaust your Battle Potions
• You won't be short on allies if you play often enough so clear out the ones that have churned so you don't waste your time on players that won't appreciate the Ally Jewels
• Earn those Silver Medals!

Get it:

Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.mobage.ww.a953.Fuzion_Android

iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/app/hellfire/id557044972?mt=8

Raptr

It is time to discuss one of my favourite haunts... raptr! That banner tells no lies, it is a community for gamers that transcends platforms and lets you rack up ranks, rep AND rewards simply for playing the games you most enjoy and a few you might have been considering trying.

Sign-up and download the client. You get a nifty toolbar to one side of your computer screen and you're off and running. Connect your accounts, invite your friends, join then visit the forums for your game, meet other people and get those much needed tips and tricks if need be.

+ Game publishers and developers, you can incentive new players to pick up your game and have a go through this community.
+ Game players, you can get FREE in game rewards for picking up the weekly challenges detailed at the raptr community.

As a game farmer, I'm very much pro FREE STUFF. Here you can get FREE STUFF if your game is on the list. We're not talking free t-shirts and other 7004 that's splashed out so you can promote someones product while hanging out with your friends or loitering outside the local strip joint, this loot is better, much much better. This loot is IN GAME.

We're talking equipment, guns, buffs, consumables and what-have-you. Buffs and consumables are usually one offs, but the equipment and guns are normally yours to keep. Grab yourself an in game item few other people are guaranteed to be waving in your face or shooting you in the back with.

I've included a couple of the current rewards below. Free avatar stuff for XBL? Get on it!

 With the best bits out of the way, let's take a look at the technical side of things.

raptr lets you:

• Connect your PSN account
• Connect your Xbox account
• Track your browser game usage as well

raptr does for you:

• Tracks your game time and ranks you in accordance to the time you spent in the game
• Ranks you against other players in the community that play that game
• Informs you when you meet prerequisites for rewards and what you're missing (sometimes regional)
• Gives you weekly, monthly and yearly stat read outs
• Publishers: These also sometimes mention the most active gameplay day and months. Players get free loot, you get free stats.
• Players: You will marvel at where your life has gone and where you found the time.
• Let's you register games that aren't in the system that might be new so you can start racking up rank
• Let's you manually enter game time for handheld devices
• I don't doubt one day they will have ALL accounts linked if possible

What can I say? I love raptr. Some people have reported difficulties linking their accounts, but if at first you don't succeed, try again the next day when your account has been formally established and put into the register. It's very much worth looking into and it is definitely well worth FREE STUFF! 

Players organise games and gatherings, post all the latest news for their favourite games and help you get the jump on the updates.

It's about time we broke down the barriers and unite as gamers. raptr is here to help and help it will. www.raptr.com to get on board. Sign yourself up, get a feel for the community and you're off and running. Check out the rewards, see if any of your fav games are on it and find a good reason to delve deeper or revisit games you might have strayed from or completed a couple of months ago.

Rekindle your love affair of free rewards and enjoy doing the thing you would have done with or without free rewards, play games!

Quit Blaming the Games

Alright, so maybe a tactful rant as one of my primary post isn't exactly the best idea but I feel compelled to do it. I will also eventually get around to properly formatting the blog and making it look much cleaner and snappy.

Dear Parents,

Stop blaming the games for your children's problems or the problems your children create.

Unless your child is a teenager, someone had to have given them the devices and bought or downloaded that game for them. That is not the games industry's fault. This works in the same way as blaming food makers for your child being over weight. If you didn't purchase or download it for your child, find out who did.

Tablets, phablets, phones and pods require passwords. If your child hands you a device and it's asking for a password, have you not stopped to ask yourself why? Or is the device such a trusted babysitter for your child that you assume it is sentient and only has the capability to nurture, cuddle and force your child to do good?

Especially iOS devices (iPhones, iPods and iPads) request you input credit card details in order to create an iTunes account. If this doesn't strike you as a warning sign that purchases could be made at any point, put the device down. Not that Apple will trick you into making purchases, it will always politely and considerately request you confirm your purchase before proceeding. Your password will now be stored for five minutes unless otherwise specified in your settings (yes every device has settings) as Apple may be assuming that at the dear price their devices come in at most users will be in their late teens or older and have the capacity to understand the technology (unlike your children and toddlers who just like to make things happen by pushing and prodding things, like payment buttons).

For those of you who really are new to the whole mobile phenomena here's some advice:

1. Games with LITE in the title are FREE. They are shortened versions of full games, so it is a demo of sorts your child can play for a level or two. After that it will prompt them to buy the FULL version.

2. Purchased games are usually free from in app purchases. These are FULL games like you get on consoles etc. You buy a bundle of game and your child is free to play it over and over again. If there is a second version of the game or a sequel it may prompt your child to purchase it if they finish the original.

3. Freemium games are free to download and play BUT people can make in app purchases to make it easier or speed things up. My Little Pony fell into some hot water or this not that long ago because parents were inputting their passwords into their devices when requested by their children and not questioning why, racking up huge bills.

4. Temporary sale games are games that are normally purchase apps but for a short while are free to download. These are FULL games that you can find in a bargain bin. It's worth looking for them every once in while while your child is in bed or elsewhere.

Downloading things for them to play is a great idea. Don't just let your child download anything. Just because it's cute, colourful and has a catchy inch big icon that looks child friendly on the details, doesn't mean it is. Not only do I recommend you download content for them, I also recommend you play it before they do. Many of them come with multiple saves or the ability to wipe your data so they can start fresh.

Quite a few games now support chat rooms and the such these days, so if you wouldn't want your child talking to strangers outside, know if they have the capability of doing so in their games.

If you do not care what your child is doing or you aren't interested in them or their activities, this is why they have problems or will have problems. You are giving them the impression that technology and games are more interested in having fun with them then you are. If this is you, GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND RAISE YOUR CHILDREN, THEY DON'T RAISE THEMSELVES!

Thanks For Your Time,
slightlyNsane

Introductions

Greetings and thanks for visiting my blog!

My name is Dawn, but everyone in my gaming circles know me as slightlyNsane. I am an avid gamer who fell hard for mobile games in the early days of the iPhone and still can't get enough these many years later. What do I do for a living? Well, I'm a digital games designer oddly enough.

Designer by day and farmer by night, I scout the interwebs, app stores and play shops for challenging new experiences I can sink my teeth into and wrap my mind around. Having experience in broadcasting as well I have supplied voice work for numerous full and arcade titles over the years, primarily ambient but principal on occasion as well.

Armed with my Android tablet, iOS device and MS laptop I vow to continue my hunt for amazing entertainment and offer insight and reviews into a varied array of games that either top the charts or warm my heart for varying reasons I will gladly share.

As a farmer I enjoy freemium titles the most and have yet to spend a cent on any in app purchases. I'm a class of player the studios are well aware of, that hopes I will acquisition others for their titles if I myself refuse to become a feeder. It's a delicate balance, but this blog proves I'm more then happy to play my viral part in ensuring their games have a steady stream of new users so long as their title has something that tickles my fancy and doesn't require its players to pay to win. I'll quite happily grind and I'm sure quite a few of you who will end up reading these do as well.

I won't always give out stellar reviews. There are more then a few games that disappoint me as I press on in them, testing how long it takes me to get over the walls put in place for those who refuse to pay. One thing is for certain though, I love a game with a sense of humour, so those titles win me over fairly quickly.

It might not be a game some days but something else gaming related that I will add here and I will aim to post something every week. At times it will be daily and others it might be monthly as my schedule is quite varied. At any rate, whatever I post will hopefully be as interesting as it is insightful. So for now, fire in the hole!